Laughter is a great way to add some levity and cheer to any setting. Even if you’re feeling down, a joke can just as quickly help to turn that mood around. There’s no shortage of comedians who have cracked us up over the years, performing a wide range of hilariously clever acts. Behind the funny skits and one-liners, there lie some absolutely zinger jokes that will have you rolling in your seat. Here are some of the greatest jokes from comedy legends that will make you laugh out loud.
Bob Hope
Bob Hope is one of the best-known comedians of all time. His observational brand of humor had audiences in stitches.
• “I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”
• “It was a mistake, that’s all. I said the wrong thing. Like the time I suggested that my wife get herself a nose job.”
• “Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
• “I can see why it’s a popular spot. All that fresh air and food.”
Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx is one of Hollywood’s funniest and most beloved comedians. His timing and wit often had the viewers in giggles.
• “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
• “Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.”
• “I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.”
• “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Johnny Carson
Johnny Carson was one of the most highly acclaimed talk-show hosts in history. He often used a deadpan delivery to make his jokes.
• “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
• “I was so poor growing up… if I wasn’t born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.”
• “Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
• “When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is.”
George Carlin
George Carlin quickly gained a reputation for being one of the most influential stand-up comedians of his time. He often performed on syndicated television shows and had an inimitable sense of humor.
• “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
• “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
• “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?”
• “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
Andy Kaufman
Andy Kaufman is anachronistically known for his surreal humor. He often combined physical comedy with satirical writing, leaving audiences in hysterics.
• “I don’t like to live by rules. I mean, I don’t mind guidelines, but rules are just a headache.”
• “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
• “How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?”
• “I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”
As you can see, comedy legends throughout the decades have given us some unforgettable classic lines. From observational jokes to wit and sarcasm, these are some of the funniest lines we’ve ever heard. Sure, times and styles change, but humor has a way of standing the test of time. That’s why these classic one-liners will always have us laughing.
